Invites

• Bringing children or a date when they’re not on the invitation. This obviously means they’re not invited, normally because of the wishes of the hosts not to include kids, or for budgetary reasons. You run the risk of putting the hosts in an awkward position if you ask about this.
• RSVPs. You do see occasionally the option on an invitation for an online RSVP or phone number because of ease, tracking, being green, etc. So of course, if that’s a stated option, it’s fine. But a written RSVP means so much more, and can truly become a keepsake.
• Inviting co-workers. I think this depends on individual situations, including financial, but today co-workers are inclined to be included when there is a social relationship with the bride or groom outside work. Unfortunately, as in any invitation list, there is a risk of hurt feelings with some being included and others not.
• Invitation trends. The scope of invitations has changed. Anything goes. It’s not just a white or cream envelope or letterpress engraving. Color is acceptable and the invites can be as informal or formal as they bride and groom wish.
• Timeline. Respect the wishes of the return date on the RSVP, common courtesy. We all need to be thoughtful of the hosts’ timeline. All planning is essential and tied to due dates.

Showers

• Throwing a shower. If there are multiple showers, it is smart for the hostess’ to consult each other to avoid duplication.
• Thanking the host and guests. Thank you notes are essential. I have found through the years that it’s so much easier to respond quickly; then you’re done. If the hostess’ and guests say you don’t have to write one, I would still encourage the bride to do so, as it is the right thing to do.

Gifts

• You’ve been invited to a wedding. Do you have to attend? No, technically you’re not obligated to go. But most guests do send a gift even if they don’t go.
• Buying a wedding gift. Of course, it is customary to give a gift to the bride and groom. I prefer sending it to their home rather than bringing it to the reception. There have been times that I’ve waited until after the wedding to send a gift, but I think it’s better (and easier) to send the gift closer to the time you receive the invitation.
• Attendants’ gifts. It’s a thoughtful gesture to present the wedding party a gift as a thank-you for their participation. It can be anything from a framed picture of the wedding couple to cufflinks or jewelry.

Ceremony

• Cell phone use during the ceremony. Unless you’re a doctor or there’s an emergency, there is no excuse for doing this.
• Arriving late. Guests should give themselves plenty of time to arrive early; taking into account traffic, unfamiliar location, etc. I have found most ceremonies to start on time. If the ceremony has started, use common sense to determine when to enter and where to sit, and be the least disruptive as possible.

Reception

• Guests tipping bartenders. I have recently been to two weddings where there was a glass jar placed on one of the bars for tips. In neither case did the hosts know this happened, and they were mortified when they learned later this had occurred. As a guest at a wedding, you shouldn’t be expected to tip.
• Drinking at an open bar. Common sense should be the guide here. First, the bartenders should be instructed not to over serve guests. There are times when guests take advantage of an open bar because there’s no cost involved to them, but good manners and common sense are the key.
• Bar service. This comes down to financial and social priorities and what is comfortable for the givers of the wedding and the bride and groom. The easiest decision is to serve drinks throughout the wedding reception without thought or limiting drinks by cutting off the bar (during dinner, for example). If the budget is an issue, and there’s not a religious or social reason not to serve alcohol, then my thought would be to select liquor brands that are not as pricey. If you’re serving wine at dinner, you can always serve one wine rather than multiples. As far as guests being over served, it’s up to the event planner or hosts to instruct the bartenders to be very watchful of this.
• Thanking the host. Although there are times when I haven’t sought out the hosts to thank them before leaving, I think it’s always lovely to do so. And a short note mentioning what a lovely time you had is so appreciated – but not expected.
• Manners at the dinner table. I was taught to wait to start my meal until everyone at the table received their meals, but I think there are some exceptions. I know that if my meal is the last one out or if it came wrong, I always insist on people starting to eat so their food won’t get cold.

After Wedding

• Post wedding brunch. This is just a fun way to wind down the weekend in a fun laid-back way, which is usually the way I see people dress for the brunch. It’s usually reserved for the couple’s families and out-of-town guests, but anything goes.